Adopt a Killer

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Columbia Law professors recently completed a study that concludes that more than seven out of ten death-penalty cases were reversed because of procedural errors. I’m not sure whether this reflects anything more that the ability of picayune defense attorneys to work more diligently on capital offenses. The study recommends that “If we are going to have the death penalty, it should be reserved for the worst of the worst.” Which is how I thought the penalty was applied.

I think we should replace the death penalty with an adoption program. We could assemble a list of people who oppose the ultimate penalty and believe that every life is sacred. When a person is convicted of a capital offense, he would be helium-arc-welded into an inescapable· titanium cage. We then load up a flatbed full of these cages and deliver them on the doorsteps of all the· people on the list. “Here’s your sacred life Mr. Cuomo, do you want him in the front yard or back?”

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