If Swedes Ruled the World

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It seems to me that if we put the Swedes in charge, the situation in Palestine would clear up of its own accord.

Look at the record. Sweden went from being the land of the Vikings to, well … a land of sanctimonious wimps who, if you don’t count a few under-the-counter ball bearing deals that kept the Nazi armies in the field an extra year or two, hasn’t bothered much of anybody as long as any of us can remember. And they did it all with a government-enforced enlightened social policy.

I’m not sure how the mechanics of this works, but there are people in Sweden who earn their living by second-guessing the names parents give their kids. So, if Mom and

Dad don’t get it right, they get to try again. Which means that if you are a little boy you wind up with a good, masculine name to grease your way through the schoolyard years and on into a confident adulthood with nothing to prove in the manhood department. Think about it. When was the last time you met a Swede named Melville?

Well, the Middle East could do with a few more Thors and Magnuses instead of all those girly names the boys seem to get tagged with. No wonder those’ guys think they have to dress up in bullets and bombs just to go into a nightclub. What kind of luck is some poor schnook going to have sitting down next to one of those gorgeous Jewish chicks and saying, “Hi, I’m Ali”? He might as well just blow himself up and be done with it.

To make things worse, countries in the Middle East tend to be led by people with names out of old Steppin-Fetchit movies. How can anybody feel like he has a stake in society when he constantly has to kowtow to all those Yassirs and Nassirs?

Things are even worse in poor old Israel. No wonder Ariel Sharon is a blood~soaked, psychotic mass murderer. The guy’s named after two girls, for heaven’s sake.

And what about the Americans representing our government in the Middle East? The fellow in charge of the whole shooting match calls himself Tommy, while our head admiral goes by the name of Stuffelbeam. It’s like the fourth-graders are in charge. You can just see the freckles and the shocks of red hair sticking out to the side.

And this Gen. Zinni the president keeps talking about? My guess would be he’s a Star Wars character. I’m thinking about one of those guys who watched from the Rebel Base while Luke blew up the Death Star. This does not instill confidence in his prospects.

So here’s my solution to three social problems at the same time: Convince the Swedes to offload their name- nannies onto the Middle East, bring our fourth-graders home, and let nature take its course without any further guidance from us. This will bring peace to Palestine, propriety to American foreign policy, and freedom to Sweden

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